The visual charisma of a used diaper
Teletoon/Fox: 1999
Ever since Ren and Stimpy gained popularity in the 90's, kids shows have tried to recreate the form of gross out humor that the series had become known for. However, none succeeded. What most shows lacked that R&S had was gross out humor, likable characters, and episodes with logical plots. Take for example the induction du jour, Mega Babies. Now, this one may actually be one that most Americans may have either never seen, or quickly forgot about. Though for Canadians, we remember it too well. In Fact, I remember for a good span of several months, Teletoon, Canada's equivalent of Cartoon Network, would air promos building up to the show's eventual release. However, no date was really ever specified, so I forgot all about it for the longest time. Then, when i finally realized the show actually was airing on Teletoon, i gave it a try. I wish I didn't, as the poop, fart, and booger ratio of the show was so massive, it would make Tom Green blush.
Mega Babies was created by CinéGroupe, a Canadian animation company that gave us such hits as Bad Dog, Pig City, What's with Andy?, The Kids from room 402, and other crap that aired on Fox Family before Fox Family was bought by ABC. And like I said before, Every success has its sub par doppleganger, and this is one of them. I mean, a cartoon about 3 super powered tots, where have we seen that before? I know there was a cartoon that was on around that same time, on a much better network, that was a massive success. Even had its own movie if i recall. The Name escapes me at the mome......
Oh, there it is.
So, it's a gross PPG ripoff? Only one way to really find out, let's review this sucker.
The Intro starts off with telling us the Origin, as apparently the planets align, and by some act of kismet zaps 3 babies and their nanny. The 3 babies gain super powers, and their nanny AKA Nurse Lazlo gains a super powered brain. And we get a mildly nauseating theme set to "Rock a Bye baby". I guess it does the trick. It at least gives enough of an interest to explain an origin. The intro shows great moments like them eating hydrants, playing hockey.....
And defecating. Get used to that as we go along.
Like most animated shows of this nature, a basic show was broken into 2 short episodes. So to fill our quota (or diaper as it seems appropriate), We'll look at 2 episodes. And we'll start with the affectionately titled "Poop Doggy Dog", as our lovable, yet repulsive moppets are looking out the window of their nursery at passing dogs. When they inform Nurse Lazlo of their interest in dog owning, she tells them no.
They don't take it well.
So Lazlo gives in and takes them to the pet store. Where tons of madcap nausea inducing moments ensue. Including the blue Mega Baby pulling on a dog's ears and making it crap itself. Thankfully we don't see it, but we still get the joke drilled into our skulls when the blue one then defecates.
Charming.
So after gross mishaps, and destroying the pet shop with a powerful sneeze, they leave dogless. And after annoying the bejesus out of her again, Lazlo decides to build them a robot dog instead.
Or whatever the hell THAT'S supposed to be. The babies are impressed nonetheless and name him Bullet. But our young heroes learn that taking care of a robot dog is no easy feat, as it does things from destroying their toys, to taking an acid piss on a neighbor's tree. And soon the babies lose interest in their robo pal as they leave him in the yard. But after the dog chews the main power supply to the house, it escapes and begins its killing spree. Okay, maybe not a killing spree, but with all the repulsive stuff this show's given us so far, I wouldn't hold it against this show. I also want to state that the babies aside, this show may just have the most repulsive looking human beings I've seen in any cartoon.
The Dog causes some mayhem, and steals a giant dinosaur bone. When the dog ends up stuck on top of a building, the fire department come in to put a stop to the dog. But the babies ad Lazlo put a stop to them, and to complete the holy trifecta of fecal and booger humor.
Yeah.
The Army comes in, and the babies begin to do battle with the Army, as the dog gets doused with water destroying him. The babies get praised for their help, despite the fact that the fire department stopped the metal abomination. And the babies decide that they want a pony instead.
So yeah, we've hit the nail on the head on how this show works. The babies act annoying, They vomit, poop, and booger up the place, and that's about 10 minutes in the can. Let's look at one more and we can call it an induction. This one just as affectionately titled "Grossery Shopping".
After being awaken at 2:42 Am, the Babies and Lazlo are hungry, and decide to go to the local all night grocery store. But they soon realize that most people have common sense and close their stores in the middle of the damn night. But they eventually find an open store, that looks unassumingly old and dilapidated. So after meeting Chuck, a lovable yet bat crap crazy individual, they begin their shopping expedition as they split up. I know they have superpowers, but still, who the hell leaves their kids unattended?
Nurse Lazlo blows.
So, Lazlo finds herring that was supposedly expired in 1972, but is crossed out, and "tomorrow" is written. And she believes it. I guess that newly grown brain was just for show. The Yellow baby looks for a popsicle, and using his super strength, pulls open a freezer door, and grabs one, and....
GOODNIGHT GRACIE, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!? Well, whatever it is, it leaves the freezer.... and turns into a mad scientist, who unleashes a horde of evil food.....
Okay, go back a second! He goes from this....
To this?
And nobody's going to explain why?
F**k this show.
So, yeah. Living food beasts, AKA Patented nightmare fuel. I mean LOOK AT THESE THINGS! They make Phil Spector's Epic Mickey drawings look tame by comparison.
There aren't enough bandages in the world that are gonna hold these mental scars together.
So, the Mega Babies destroy most of the beasts, save for the mad scientists evil Chicken, who prepares to fire a blast of demonic yolk out of its rear. Lazlo catapults the blue baby, who then eats the yolk, farts an atomic blast, and gets eaten by the demon chicken, but escapes before the chicken demon explodes. The scientist is foiled, and the babies leave....
And we never get an explanation as to why the evil scientist was a monster Sasquatch thing! Hello? If that isn't a Big Lipped Alligator Moment, i have no damn clue what is.
And that's Mega Babies folks. Lackluster plots, Vulgar to the 10th degree, and mind scarrers so massive, no amount of brain bleach can cure you. The idea could've worked if it wasn't so repulsive, but for what it was, it was literal Tooncrap.
So, January's wrapping up, and this whole month of Double inductions is coming to a close. Come February, it's a one induction per week deal. But we still have one induction left for January, and wouldn't you know it, it was also made by Cinegroupe. For the last induction of January, prepare yourself to take a look into the future....
"The Future, Sin?"
That's right Conan O'Brien skit we'll probably never see again. This Sunday it's time we took a look all the way to the year 3000.
See you then.