Oh son of a gun, we'll have no fun on the Bayou tonight!
Dic: 1991
It's February, and we kick off our 4 week Stupor Zero month with a requested induction. The extremely short lived 1991 animated version of Swamp Thing. Now, going into this induction, I'll be honest, i knew squat about Swamp Thing, other than the fact that he's a giant plant creature. The Comic spawned 2 movies, and a TV series that made it to 72 episodes. Outside of that, I still know bits and pieces of the actual character.
Unfortunately everything i sorta learned about Swamp Thing I learned from Dic's animated Foray. A show that was dropped by CBS, ran briefly on Fox, and saw its final run on, of all things Chip and Pepper's Cartoon Madness. That's right, NBC gave a pair of Canadian clothing designers their own damn cartoon block.
But that's a piece of stupidity for another day.
So what makes Swamp Thing stink like Swamp Ass? Let's review this thing.
Behold, Swamp Thing in all his dickless glory.
So, the opening theme song..... Well, with Swamp thing, you would expect maybe a dark brooding theme, maybe a really action heavy song. What do we get instead?
An extremely butchered version of Chip Taylor's Wild Thing. With such catchy lyrics as
Swamp Thing
you are amazing
you fight everything nasty
Swamp Thing.
Not to mention the opening isn't even comprised of original material. It's nothing but footage from the first episode. Proof already that Dic already knew this wasn't going to be a show that would last too long.
Then there's the even lazier 2nd version of the song.
So we kick off the first episode "The Un-Men Unleashed" with Swamp Thing fighting some of the bad guys. They try trapping him in a net, and spraying him with defoliant, but being a plant creature, he burrows into the earth, and sneak attacks them. He ties them up into a net, but they warn him that Skin Man is coming.
Skin Man?
this isn't who you're referring to, is it?
No, it's this skinny douche, who tries to run Swamp Thing down on his boat, only to be stopped pretty quickly. After that encounter, Swamp Thing meets his pal John Rambo.. I mean Tomahawk.
On his vehicle that simply screams "buy this toy now at your local store". But their conversation is short lived, as a pair of kids drive their way chasing a frog,
I understand that the majority of 80's and 90's cartoons were essentially toy commercials, but that's no excuse to make every damn vehicle look like an action figure.
Meanwhile, Dr. Arcane, the main villain of the series yells at his hired help for screwing up yet again. One of the henchmen tells Arcane that Swamp thing has monsterous power at his command, while showing us more toys.
Kids, just go ahead and steal the money from your mom's purse. You need to get these damn toys now! They're in the bin with the Turtles figures nobody actually wants.
Arcane realizes that his hired goons are weak in their normal forms, so he transforms them to hideous beasts with his Mutagen..... I mean, Trans-Juicer, as they transform into the mutant X-Me... I mean Un-Men.
Who since they have no legit names for these forms, I'll just call them Wiggler From Hell, Cobrat, and the God Damn Batman.
And from there we go back to the annoying kids who are still chasing after the frog, when they run into the GD Batman. Swamp thing comes to their aid, but like any logical human being encountering a giant plant man, they run away, only to run into Cobrat.Arcane decides that they should be locked in his attic forever. You could just kill them you know Doc. What better way to test out your new Un Men and all. have them murder these annoying kids, and get it over with. But since this is a kids cartoon, being trapped in the attic is a big enough punishment. Though they get rescued by Arcane's stepdaughter.
I guess if there's a benefit to this show so far, Abby Arcane's pretty hot TBH.
She's essentially living with her stepfather, while secretly helping out Swamp Thing. She also gives this time to tell the kids about Swamp Thing's origin. So, Swamp Thing was once a scientist named Alec Holland, who created a plant growth formula. Arcane and his goons wanted to take it by force, but in the struggle, Alec gets contaminated with the formula, and turned into Swamp Thing. Abby tells them that she's trying to find a cure to save Swamp Thing, and that she'll help them escape. Unfortunately at that same time Dr. Arcane plans to use the kids as bait to lure Swamp Thing, and ends up finding the kids in mid escape. The duo run as Arcane follows in his own action figure vehicle. Meanwhile, Swamp Thing is talking with his friend Bayou Jack.
Kids, Commit larceny if you must, Bayou Jack has a big ass blaster on his back!
Abby warns the two of the kids being chased, and then leaves with Bayou Jack on his cool action figure car to find tomahawk. Swamp Thing finds the boys, but learns that it was obviously a trap from the get go. Swamp Thing surrenders so the boys can be freed, and Arcane and the un-men capture him.
Arcane places Swamp Thing in a machine to extract the plant growth formula so that he can become immortal. Swamp Thing doesn't take too kindly to that. Unfortunately for him, he's in no position to escape as Arcane begins the extraction. However, the cavalry arrive in their action figure vehicles, as the kids sneak into the lab, and throw frogs on the villains. but before the kids get captured again, Tomahawk comes to their aid, with his toy crossbow.
The shot causes some formula to splash over Arcane's face, turning it into a pale Freddy Krueger sans the charm, and being in a good product. They free Swamp Thing, throw him into the nearest fountain to energize him, and the final battle of the episode begins, as Swamp thing deals with the GD batman, Bayou Jack has a water gun fight with Wiggler for Hell, and Tomahawk and Cobrat shoot toy missiles at each other. They beat the bad guys, Arcane vows revenge, and Swamp Thing returns to the swamp water to end the episode.
and that was Swamp Thing the animated series. More like animated toy commercial. Seriously, this show was a blatant commercial, from the vehicles looking like action figure cars, the Un men, Swamp Thing's pals with water blaster, and real crossbow action. This whole plot was hollow, and pointless. But damn did it ever make me want those action figures.