The Magic Voyage

What a piece of ship

Bavaria Films: 1992

In 1492, Christopher Columbus crossed the Atlantic and discovered America. 500 years later, some German animation company made a movie about it. And 2 years after that, some distribution company dubbed the movie and brought it overseas. That movie would be called the Magic Voyage, and Is our induction of the evening. The classic tale of Christopher Columbus... and a talking woodworm.... and a fairy... and.. an evil insect king? The hell? I Can understand the voyage itself would be pretty boring, but heavens to Mergatroid.

So, it's time to haul anchor. Let's review this thing.



We open our tale with Mickey Rooney informing us of how in the olden days, people though the world was flat, but one man dared to think different. That man being Christopher Columbus, who thought it was square. And we head to 1492, as seagulls fight over a fish, only to have a crate fall on one. and from out of the crate comes our little insect friend Pico (Voiced by Corey Feldman) with hobo insect bindle and everything. According to his horrible singing, he's traveled all around, and is an adventurer. He sings while an annoying seagull wearing a bandanna chases after. He heads into a ship where we meet our navigating protagonist Christopher Columbus (Voiced by Dom Deluise)



And hoo boy, I know Columbus was Italian, but does Deluise ever pour on the overly stereotypical Italian accent. He's-a always talking like-a dis-a. Mama Mia!


It's bad when Santino sounds more like an authentic Italian.

Christopher is ready to give up hope that the world is round, when our bug pal eats into his wooden block globe, to make it somewhat more round. Chris, not the least bit concerned that a woodworm is able to talk, strikes up a friendship with Pico, and tells him of Marco Polo, and how Columbus thinks Polo went the wrong way, and should've sailed the Atlantic.So, the two heroes set off to see the King, so he can fund the expedition. And of course, Deluise has to sing. Same with Feldman. And boy, talk about half assing it. Especially Feldman.




After some horrid crooning, the duo make it to the castle, where other people are trying to get their inventions funded. But, the king turns out to be a major douche. When he believes that Columbus is full of crap, he sends his guards after him, only to have his wife tell him to cut the crap. And seems to get somewhat horny over Columbus in the meanwhile. Turned on by his gangly charms, she gives him the three ships he desires, much to the chagrin of Cosmo Spacely... I mean the king, as he and Jafar's pale creepier cousin plan to sabotage the ships so Columbus's trip is a one way voyage. Meanwhile Pico ditches Columbus almost getting busy with the queen, as he discovers a light shining in the castle. And this is when we realize that Pico never shuts the hell up. He always seems to talk about whatever he's doing at that particular time (Example: looking at his reflection in the chandelier and constantly say "I look stupid" "looking stupid again"). He enters a chandelier, and learns that the mysterious light is coming from...



Tinkerbell's more shy, and less annoying sister? No, this would be Marilyn, the princess of the kingdom of moon sprites. Long before she was trapped in a chandelier for eternity, she lived in Ferngully (or at least a close enough facsimile), when one day she was captured by the evil swarm lord..


Who appears to be auditioning for ZZ Top.



It's bad when Santino looks more like a member of ZZ Top.

Despite Marilyn being afraid to leave, and the placed guarded by evil bugs, Pico decides to spring her free anyways. When the guard bugs capture her and..... just hold her like a foot (Or inch in bug terms??) in front of Pico, he knocks them out, and the two escape... Or not. as the Swarm lord who captures Marilyn again, and heads conveniently enough to the west.



The day of the magic voyage finally arrives. As the drunken queen, and the rather unhappy king see him off as he gets on the Santa Maria. Pico, still lamenting over the loss of Marilyn, almost forgets to head to the ship. and on his way, runs into 3 rats, who he cuts a deal with. They spare his life, he'll get them on the ship. They immediately screw him over, leaving him to get swept up in a sewer. It looks to be too late for annoying chatterbox of a woodworm pal, u8ntil he tricks the same retarded seagull into flying him back onto the Santa Maria.Or at least he almost does, when he runs into the three rats again, who throw him off for not telling them that the ship was going to actually sail. Pico BS'es them about a land of cheese, and they stay, as he finally gets on the damn ship. He then builds his house out of the block globe, while never shutting the hell up. All while Columbus's crew, Snap Crackle and Pop fear that their captain is a lunatic. Columbus gets seasick, and goes to sleep.

And that's when things get screwed up.




He dreams about sailing a checkerboard sea, and still horny for the queen, only to fall off and encounter the king, who's a giant purple bull. the bull king eats him, and he then wakes up. While Columbus recovers from his little trip, Pico learns that the crew is planning to mutiny by killing Columbus. Pico goes to warn him, but those rats run into him again. Why the hell did Pico even tell them about the ship, or let them stay? Pico's a moron. He escapes and warns Columbus, who thinks of the only logical way to save his neck.... Sing. Oh, just kill him now. But surprisingly, they enjoy it, and spare his neck for another night.



Pico dreams about Marilyn, and even when he dreams, and his mouth isn't opening HE NEVER SHUTS THE HELL UP! But his dreams come to an end, as the weather started getting rough. And after a minute of nothing but lightning, and rolling barrels, it's a foggy new day, and Columbus finally discovered the new world. Actually, he just finds a wrecked ship. The rats leave the boat, and the crew are ready to hang the lanky lunatic. And wouldn't you know it, the Swarm Lord shows up.




The Swarm lord destroys the ship, but coincidentally, Columbus lands in America at the same time. Inside a gigantic temple, the Swarm Lord has Marilyn captive in a golden idol, until she can produce her magic light. Pico runs into another animal friend, the rather dim Bob the Beaver. As Columbus sleeps, the two of them, along with the rats, who decided to make a face turn and come back, head off to face off with the Swarm Lord. A now gold obsessed Columbus follows them. When they enter the temple, they discover the swarm lord trying to smother Marilyn's light. With a burning flag in hand, Columbus faces off with the Swarm Lord. Even after setting the lord ablaze, the lord still has fight in him. Bob the beaver chews through the pole holding the idol as Columbus, straddled on the idol, falls off and squashes the Swarm Lord. They escape as the temple falls to the ground.


but Marilyn dies..


You know, I'm getting quite sick of these false endings.

So, Columbus gets to keep the golden idol, and all the animal friends and mutinous traitors get to go home. The end

Mama Mia, that was a crappy one. The plot made absolutely no sense, horrendous voice acting, horrid singing, is as historically accurate as a kick to the ass, and for the love of god Corey Feldman just shut the hell up. on a positive note the animation was decent I guess.


It's bad when... the hell am I talking about? Santino is awesome! Go watch him, and avoid The Magic Voyage.