The Legend of Zelda

It's dangerous to watch this crap. Read this.

Dic: 1989

No too long ago, I inducted the infamous Captain N: The Game Master. A cartoon that took great Nintendo characters and butchered them horribly. Possibly due to Dic never really playing the NES games before working on the actual cartoon. But despite all of the horrid designs, lackluster plots, groping vampire hunters, and annoying pieces of plastic, I can honestly say that I love that cartoon In comparison to today's induction, The Legend of Zelda.

Like I've said in the past, Nintendo dominated in the late 80's, and among it's many successful franchises, The Legend of Zelda was definitely one of the biggest. The original game can be considered a masterpiece, that pioneered so much in gaming, such as the ability to save the game through internal batteries, and non linear game play. And while it's sequel suffered a "Love it or hate it" Attitude from the fans, it didn't stop the franchise to still be one of the biggest game series' to this day. Zelda is a franchise that could do no wrong.



Well, most of the time.

Which brings us to our induction this week. In 1989, Nintendo hit the animated world With The Super Mario Bros Super Show. A mixture of live action and animation, and featuring former WWF manager Captain Lou Albano as the live action version and voice of Mario. Luigi's was played by Danny Wells, possibly best known as Charlie the bartender on the Jeffersons. Because when you think Nintendo, you think the Guiding Light, and Norman Lear shows.



If the show has one strong point, it's the theme song. While it feels sorta dated by today's standards, It still has the late 80's goofy rap charm. The theme promises you'll be hooked on the brothers, and that if you're sink is in trouble, you can call them on the double. I think I'd best take my chances with a more straight to business plumbing group than two brothers who live in a mushroom kingdom, but that's just me.

Besides the live action skits, the primary focus of the show revolved around 2 cartoons. The Super Mario Bros, which would air Monday-Thurdsay, and The Legend of Zelda, which would air Fridays. The Mario cartoons aren't what you would consider classics, but aren't horrible by any means either. They still manage to maintain the goofiness that the Mario franchise is known for, so even with it's massive amounts of animation flaws, and corny plots (Usually cribbing from movies), it was definitely an enjoyable little cartoon.

I wish I could say the same for Legend of Zelda though. I really do.

First off, it definitely benefits from having the competent Dic animation crew. The ones that usually pull out some excellent animation and character designs, and very few animation flaws. Which is interesting, since the Mario toons are abound with little flaws here and there. Another plus for the show is that it does provide when it comes to action, even going so far as to add actual sound effects from the Legend of Zelda game. But other than that, I really can't say there's much else that could be considered redeeming. Especially when it comes to characters, and general plots to the episodes.

Let's start off with the main characters. Starting with...



Princess Zelda. You know, since this is HER legend after all.

Zelda is definitely far from what would be considered the standard princess. She's a skilled fighter, as well as actually having her father still around, and not trapped in a void.



Choke on that, other Dic princesses.

She's also known to treat Link like utter crap (though when we talk about Link, you'll see why that's not really a bad thing). Cock teasing aside, she's probably one of the better characters this show has.



Next up is Ganon, the show's big bad. For a main villain, he's not too bad either. His main M.O is the same as any 80's stock villain, send his platoon of henchmen to attack. They get their asses handed to them, so he tries to deal with it himself, only to fail. Pretty standard. Although one thing always bugged me about him. He has the power to teleport, yet doesn't just use it to kill Zelda/Link in their sleep, or just take the triforce? Then again, if he could do that, this wouldn't have made 13 episodes, so his powers are limited in the upper world.



Next up is Sprite. She's like Navi from Ocarina of Time, only far more useless. Outside of being the only female on this show legit attracted to Link, she's essentially filler.

And now it's time to talk about our protagonist himself, Link.

(Ahem...)



I CAN'T FRIGGING STAND LINK!!!

The Link of the video games has always been known as a silent protagonist, without an ego, without arrogance, and most importantly without the most obnoxious catchphrase in animated history. The Link of the Cartoon suffers from all these traits. He's a loudmouth, who's M.O is to impress Zelda enough that she'll sleep with him. But when she treats him like the elven douche he is, he usually responds either with his catchphrase, or just being a sore prick about it. Aside from that, he just never shuts up, ever. And most of that time it's either him bitching, or him lusting for Zelda.



God, most of the time he makes Simon Belmont look like a nice guy.

So, we've met our cast of characters, now how do the episodes fare. Let's look at a few as we review this thing.

The opening basically tells the plot of the series. The castle of Hyrule has the Triforce of wisdom, and Ganon has the Triforce of power. Whoever has both can rule the world forever. So, it's Link's job to beat Ganon every week ad nauseum.



We'll start with the first official episode "The Ringer". A new day begins at Hyrule castle, as Link awakens, and immediately begins to bitch about it being so boring. He also seems to dislike the idea of sleeping in a bed, as sleeping in mud is more appropriate for a hero. But his bitching stops when he looks out his window and looks down at Zelda. But his peepery is disrupted by attacking Moblins. Armed with sword and pillow, he easily disposes of the Moblin trio, and sends them back to Ganon. And for protecting the Triforce of Wisdom, Zelda, of course, treats link like crap for making a mess, and instructs him to defend the Triforce as she goes to judge a magician competition, much to the anger of Link.



But it's not just Link who's in a foul mood, as Ganon is having a teleporting fit over the failure of his Moblin flunkies. So, he decides to do the job himself as he disguises himself as a magician to attend the competition in Hyrule. After waiting through half assed magic acts, he eventually turns a lizard into a dragon to distract our whiny heroes. And again, after saving the castle from a dragon, Zelda still treats Link like garbage. But in the midst of their bickering, Ganon finally gets his hand of the Triforce. Sprite tries to stop him, but being useless as she is, she is easily defeated. Our protagonists give chase, and eventually stop Ganon before he makes it back to his hideout. But several of his skeleton soldiers attack, so Link comes up with a plan.he tethers himself and Zelda to his belt, so they can attack back to back.



Anything to get close to Zelda, huh Link?

The duo defeat Ganon and his army, reclaim the triforce, and Link refuses to remove the belt until he finally gets his kiss. But Sprite shows up in time to play 3 inch cock block. The end.

Let's look at another, the episode "Kiss 'N Tell".



We start our episode with Zelda complaining that Link is sleeping in and missing their planned picnic, when she hears a woman screaming. It appears that a maiden's being attacked by the three headed dragon Gleeok. Zelda easily defeats it by throwing lemons and grapefruit at it (really?), but our distressed damsel bitches that Zelda screwed up what was a plan to get Link. But hey, at the thought of women to harass, Link is here to save the day, as he finishes off Gleeok. The maiden offers Link a kiss, which, being the moron he is, he humbly obliges.


Well, that's what you get for being a horny moron, I guess.

Yep, this was all a plan from Ganon to have Link turn into a frog to...... I dunno, embarrass him I guess. The Gibdo attacks Link, only for Zelda to save his now warty butt. Link begins to bitch about being a monster, as Zelda finally shows some pity on him. This sickens Ganon, as he attacks our heroes, and kidnaps Zelda. Link gets Sprite to help him, and after a vague riddle from the Triforce of Wisdom, they find a witch that lives in a wall. Link asks how he can be cured, and the witch says that he must be kissed by a princess. So, he gets turned back to normal, and his perverted dreams come true. It's win win.

But before he can finally get his Zelda kiss, he gets beaten by Ganon again. Sprite, feeling pity on him, kisses Link, which turns him back to normal. Hey, Sprite's a princess, I guess. Link kicks Ganon's ass yet again, and Link bombs on another kiss attempt by eating a fly. The end.

The Legend of Zelda is a great example of dropping the ball big time. The heroes are unlikable, the villain isn't exactly the most cunning, and overall the episodes are kinda bland. Other than some decent action, and animation, it's definitely a let down. So excuuuse me if I'm not too fond of this show, but the fact remains. This is a legend best left forgotten.