The Pagemaster

Turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands.

20th Century Fox: 1994

THere's a good chance that if you were asked who Macauly Culkin was, the first thing that would come to mind is Home Alone. Which is a valid statement, as the rest of his childhood career pretty much went to hell after My Girl. From trying to be scary, yet coming off as an obnoxious tot in The Good Son, to becoming the live action version of well known rich douche Richie Rich. And of course there's the Nutcracker, but the less said about that the better. Culkin had seen his visage in the realm of the animated twice. Once in the short lived NBC toon Wish Kid (which is definitely one I'm planning on inducting soon), and our induction du jour, 1994's "The Pagemaster". A half assed attempt by Fox to excite kids into the world or reading and books. However, with a lackluster plot, horrid special effects, mediocre animation, and an unlikable protagonist, we have a poor story that should've stayed on the shelf.

They say you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, so let's judge it by it's poisoned pages. Let's review this thing.



We open our movie with ominous clouds, as they form the likes of pirate ships, castles, and dragons. Totally not foreshadowing of any kind.



These ominous clouds wake up our pussy protagonist Richard (played by Mac Culkin). Well, either the clouds woke him up, or he had a nightmare about being older and starring in some movie called "Party Monster". He takes his flashlight, and looks around for any ominous apparitions that may be in his room. But he soon gets scared shitless by...



A TREE! OHMYGODAAAARGH!!!

Yep, Richard is what you would called a 'fraidy cat of the highest calibur.



He goes to tell his parents, but overhears his father Alan (Ed Begley Jr.) being extremely dissapointed that he's raised a sissy. The next day, Richard's father is busy building him a tree house (a solar powered one no doubt). He asks Richard to come up with a bag of nails, but being the pussy he is, declines in fear of falling off a ladder. Apparently you can learn to fall off a 20 foot ladder. He opts instead to use a bucket pulley, but that leads to ha-ha larity as he accidentally hits his dad with the bucket, sending him falling. His father, surprisingly not pissed at his son almost killing him, tells Richard to go to the hardware store to buy more nails, while telling him to not live his life through statistics (or in other words "man up you little bitch"). So it's off to the store...



Oh, good lord. The kid is literally a walking "punch me" sign.



After being mocked by some kids (and deservedy so), Rich decides to drive under a tunnel, as a dramatically timed storm hits. He crashes his bike close to a local library, and heads inside. Inside, he runs into the librarian (played by Christopher "middle of my career downfall" Lloyd) who is, being Christopher Lloyd, eccentric as all getouts.



Eccentric, and a little too clingy. Yeesh.

Believing that Rich is in desperate need for fantasy, adventure, horror (Chris Hansen, the police, parents that won't steal his money), and other malarkey, he gives him a library card. Richard, being no doubt a little freaked over Christopher's hamming, tries to tell him that he's not looking for any books, and asks for a phone. Christopher gladly gives him a direction that is obviously not a trap. But on his way, Rich slips on some water, knocking him unconscious. He awakens several hours later in a daze. Well, a daze, and the painted ceiling above him melting into a giant early 90's cgi mess.




The paint chases after our scared hero, and eventually catches him, turning him into....



What else? An animated atrocity.



Now ink and paint, Rich runs into the Pagemaster (Christopher Lloyd again). He shows Rich a bunch of awe inspiring stuff, and then screws with Rich by making him face three tests in order to get home.

The pagemaster is a douche.



And what kind of kids movie would this be if there weren't some comic relief to help Rich on his way? Possibly a better movie? Rich first runs into the swashbuckling book Adventure (Voiced by Patrick Stewart), who almost gets Rich attacked by a giant octopus (Worst tentacle rape hentai ever.). After that near death experience, he runs into Fantasy (voiced by Tooncrap veteran Whoopi Goldberg). And if you've ever wished for a "hate each other now, love each other later" angle with Picard and Guinan, you have it here folks. Enjoy! They both bicker over who Rich is going to check out of the library with, they get chased by the Hound of the Baskervilles, and end up in the Horror section of the library, with a conveniently placed haunted castle. On their way, they meet the brain damaged member of the group, Horror (voiced by Frank "god" Welker). Our band of merry morons assembled, our heroes head into the haunted castle.



Inside, they encounter Dr. Jeckyll (voiced by another Star Trek veteran, Leonard Nimoy). Take a wild guess what's going to happen next.



Yep.

After dealing with Mr. Hyde, they continue on in the horror section, being chased by ghost stories and other whatnot, until they finally escape the castle. But, sadly, this movie is far from over. As now they have to deal with the sea. Our heroes hop aboard a tiny boat, as smooth sailing awaits...



At least until Moby Dick shows up to ruin everything.



After surviving the white whale, Rich and Adventure end up stranded. At least until a rowboat rescues them, and takes them to a pirate ship, helmed by none other than legendary pirate, and name of a restaurant Long John Silver (voiced by Jim "demigod" Cummings). Now captured, our heroes are pretty much screwed. Well, until our scurvy antagonists conveniently land on Treasure Island, and they begin a hunt for treasure. One wild goose hunt and mutiny later, it's Horror and Fantasy to the rescue, as they scare away the pirates and rescue Adventure and Rich. Rich begins to whine about not being able to go home, and Adventure storms off pissed, because, well, Adventure's a dick. And in the middle, they lose Horror, who's conveniently captured by the Lilliputians from Gulliver's Travels. After rescuing Horror, it's off to the final world, and the end of this damn film. And since we're in the world of Fantasy, of course we need a song. It's forgettable, so let's just move on.

With the exit in sight, our heroes enter an ominous looking cave.



Except it ain't no cave.

With Rich moments from becoming dragon food, Fantasy summons a magic carpet to save him. But that doesn't stop the dragon from giving chase. Our heroes almost make it to the exit, but the dragon burns up the carpet, sending them crashing far from freedom. As Rich climbs up the tower where the exit is, he runs into a knight's skeleton, and steals his armour and blade. As that's happening, Adventure and Fantasy finally realize that after all the bickering and hate, they actually love one another, as they kiss. Adventure then leaves to distract the dragon, as Rich prepares himself. equipped to fight, Rich is ready to take down the dragon.



Which ends about as well as you'd expect.

But before our hero is digested, he uses a book to create a beanstalk to escape out of the dragon with. He reunites with the books, and the trio ride the beanstalk to the exit. Inside the exit, Rich is once again reuinited with the Douchemaster, and is none too happy about it. Rich lays it into the Pagemaster about having put him through all the crap, and the Pagemaster tells him that this whole thing helped him face his fears. So, he gets away with nearly killing him, but it's okay, since he taught him a valuable lesson. Kinda lopsided moral, but it works. his lesson learned, Rich and the books are transported back into the realm of the live action, where rich is once again greeted by the eccentric perv librarian. Rich checks out the books, and heads home. later that night, he sleeps in his treehouse, no longer a 'fraidy cat of the highest calibur.



And the librarian is murdered by the Libyans. The End.

And that's the Pagemaster. While far from the worst movie ever, it does suffer from lackluster special effects, and pretty generic animation. Add in a rather shoddy, rushed plot, as well as some hammy acting from the likes of Christopher Lloyd, and you have a movie that does suffer. Still, it could've been far worse than it really was I guess. It's tooncrap, but definitely not among the elite.