It's December 13th, 1993. Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit is the number one movie in America, and Janet Jackson's "Again" finally knocked Meatloaf out of the Billboard Hot 100. In the WWF, last week saw the end of the Bobby Heenan era on commentary? So who could they find to take the place of the Brain?
Why holy crap, it's Jim Cornette! Cornette is concerned about the possibility of Undertaker being here tonight, since we're now building towards Undertaker vs Yokozuna for the WWF title at the Royal Rumble. Also in action on a packed night of squashes are the Smoking Gunns, Rick "The Model" Martel, IRS, and Bret Hart.
Opening action tonight is "Macho Man" Randy Savage against Fatu of the Headshrinkers. A lot of slow stalling to start like a lot of Headshrinker matches. Fatu gets a big elbow to the face of Savage and follows with clubbing blows. He follows with a stiff clothesline. Savage tries ramming Fatu face first into the turnbuckle, but it has no effect. Savage gets a kick to the face in, and follows with a face buster to the mat, which again Fatu no sells, and follows with a Savate kick to the face of Savage, sending Savage tumbling out of the ring.
Fatu smashes Savage into the steps. Fatu goes for a second, but Savage turns around and sends Fatu face first into the steps. But as we've seen so far, that has no effect, and Fatu follows up with another Savate kick to the face. Savage gets smashed into the ring post. Eventually Fatu brings him back in and hits a hard headbutt for two. Savage fights back and goes for a whip, hitting a nice back body drop. He charges at Fatu, but gets tossed over the top rope (a little botch in trying to get him over right, but it worked). Afa lays in a cheap shot and throws Savage back in where he's covered for two.
Fatu hits Savage in the face with one of the sticks he brought to the ring, and covers for only two again. Cornette mocks Savage's hair while Fatu hits a backbreaker. Fatu goes up top, but Savage takes him out. He hits a big elbow drop to the outside on Fatu, and brings him in, landing a clothesline (complete with standard Fatu spin off the move). Savage nails Afa and goes up for the elbow for three. Overall, an okay opener, but the ending burst of energy by Savage did feel like it came a bit too quick.
Oh right, WWF Mania is still a thing. Todd Pettingill is in the studio pleading for the return of Macho Man on the show, feeling that Savage would do no harm there, and even if he did one of the guys working there named Slim would "do a bump for Mania". He urges the audience to vote on "Referendum M" to bring Macho Man back to the announce position. And since it's a vote, you know what that means...
HEY KIDS, GIVE VINCE A DOLLAR! Because your vote counts. Like how your vote to keep Shawn Michaels out of the WWF mattered.
We get a quick "don't do drugs" PSA with Lex Luger. I dunno, with Luger I don't think it feels genuine. And with the ones we had with Undertaker, that would at least scare me out of touching any illegal substance.
The Smoking Gunns are up next against Steve Smith and Jim "Don't Shoot The" Messenger. Cornette believes that Luger won't in the Royal Rumble, mentioning that the winner will face Yokozuna at Wrestlemania, and Luger is not allowed another title shot due to his collossal screw up at Summerslam. In the ring, some double teams by the Gunns including a rather sloppy suplex and cross body. And then suddenly...
Captain Lou Albano is roaming around the ring. Hey, remember that one week he was scouting the Headshrinkers back in June? Well I guess that's happening again, only he's scouting the Gunns I guess. That, or he just got lost. Cross body by Bart Gunn and a dropkick, followed by another wringer for a second. Messenger gets some shots in the corner, but Bart breaks out. Bart hits a nice DDT, and tags in Billy who hits a bulldog off the top for three in a forgettable match.
IRS is up next for our next squash against Todd Mata. As always, IRS calls everyone tax cheats. Apparently since the brawl with Shawn Michaels last week, Razor's gold chains have gone missing. A cameraman tries to see what's in IRS' briefcase, as he clearly stole them, but IRS piefaces the cameraman right off the apron.
"Irwin" chants as the bell rings. He takes down Mata quick, and follows with a whip, and elbow to the face, and an elbow drop. He rams Mata into the buckle, but Mata is in no position to no-sell. He goes for a whip, but gets rolled up for two. IRS tosses Mata out of the ring. Rams to the buckle and a back suplex by IRS for three.
Up next is the strangest damn thing I've seen ever. Yokozuna is outside dressed as Santa Claus, posing with kids, and being pretty friendly, almost as if this Evil Not-Actually-Japanese foreigner was a nice guy or something.
Then this happens, and with the somewhat moaning noises of Yoko, along with the creepy music, I really wish it didn't happen.
But I guess it's cool, because it was all a dream. also, I guess Mr. Fuji just lives with Yokozuna and watches him sleep?
Up next is the Undertaker in action against JS Storm. Cornette is concerned, considering the building issues between Taker and the alliance between Cornette and WWF champion Yokozuna. Taker tosses Storm outof the ring, and slams him hard into the steps. Vince claims Cornette sold Yoko out with the title match now being a casket match. Because Taker can only have gimmick matches. Tree of woe to Storm, and a few stomps to the gut by Taker. Big chokeslam to Storm and a tombstone for three in a bink and you'll miss squash.
Post-match, Undertaker and Paul Bearer prepare a body bag, and put Storm inside, and follows up with a Stomp.
Since they couldn't be assed to do one this week I guess, we're instead given a montage of moments from Jeff Jarrett's vignettes. He's set to debut on Raw next week. About friggin' time, it's been two months of these, and they've all been kinda crummy. Also next week Ludvig Borga will take on a returning Tatanka. Oh great. He's back.
Up next on Monday Night Squash is Rick "The Model" Martel in action against Tim McNeany. Cornette makes a random Lorena Bobbitt reference about Tatanka, and follows up pretty much with how much of a "ragin' injun" he is. Cornette isn't impressed with Paul Bearer and his "ghoulfriend". McNeany hits a cross body for two. Body slam by Martel as Vince shills "Jericho Fever". No Y2J in sight sadly. McNeany goes for a roll up for two. Martel puts in knees to the corner, but gets turned around. Martel counters with a big knee.
Irish whip and an elbow to the face by Martel, who then follows with a front facelock.McNeany breaks out, but gets a clothesline for his troubles. Some jumping jacks by Martel, who then goes for a whip, which McNeany gets a boot in. He however misses a dropkick as Martel locks in a Boston Crab for the win in a better than it should have been squash. At least McNeany got in more offense than most.
We're recapped on Superstars as Vince interviews Owen Hart. Vince stirs the pot with the whole "Bret is better" stuff, which annoys Owen. He places a challenge to Bret for a one on one match to prove who is the better man. At this point, just a fair chance for Owen.
Our last match of the night is Bret Hart in action against the Brooklyn Brawler. Brawler tries a shot on Bret, but gets a hip toss for his trouble. Bret works the arm, until he gets turned around by Brawler, which he follows with an elbow. More arm work by Bret. Brawler counters and tries a clothesline, but gets a shoulder block for two. Another more arm work. Brawler tries a body slam, but Bret keeps the lock in. Brawler gets a thumb to the eye and works on Bret in the corners. He even gets a bite to the face.
Body slam by Brawler, who goes to the top. Bret tosses Brawler off and gets a body slam and leg drop. Irish whip and a shot to the gut of Brawler, followed by a Russian leg sweep and a diving elbow off the second rope for two. Backbreaker and the Sharpshooter finishes Brawler off in a quick and inoffensive match.
We end with the run of the card next week with Owen Hart, Men on a Mission, Ludvig Borga vs Tatanka, and the Raw debut of Jeff Jarrett.
This Raw was boring. Nothing much really happened in-ring, and while there were some interesting PSAs and vignettes throughout, this just felt like a dull squash heavy edition. Which is a shame to say about a Raw that has Bret Hart, Randy Savage, and The Undertaker all in action. Cornette was great on commentary, but he's no Bobby Heenan. I would give this Raw a D...
But because I'm still reeling over this, I'll give it a generous C-